Whenever I start writing this post, I get to a dead end and walk away from it. I have written it all the way through multiple times, but I need to write it through and let it go. I apologize in advance for anything that may sound jumpy and rambley.
Hello, I’m anxious. Nice to meet you. I always wonder if it make life any more beneficial if we knew everyone’s deep emotional/mental struggles. I’m not sure. But here I am, talking to strangers about being controlling and having anxiety.
Learning about yourself, I believe, is important and essential to growth as a human being. The last couple months I have learned more about myself than I have my entire life. I came to terms with the fact I have anxiety a long time ago. The recent journey, though, was to try and see where that lets out and why that is.
I have a deep rooted need for control. This has come out in flames an innumerable amount of times in my relationship. I link that back to my dad and the “abandonment issues” associated with him. Although, I do not place responsibility of my actions on anyone but myself.
I enjoy knowing what is going to happen and having a handle on what is going to happen. Once things get out of my hands and I lose control, I need to find security or control somewhere. Anywhere. Or I try to force the control back into my hands.
Maybe I should go back to the beginning, or sometime when anxiety first became a larger aspect in my life. It was about two years ago when I had my first panic attack. I was fifteen and it was right when I first cut myself. I was on the phone with my boyfriend at the time. When it happened, I dropped my phone because I was shaking profusely and hyperventilating.
Since then, panic attacks mainly come when I feel overwhelmed with social situations or when I feel helpless. I always find myself shaky, having paranoia, being fidgety and restless, having an irregular heart beat, and obviously having anxiety randomly, many times without a real reason.
This is so hard to admit. I have let this issue hurt myself and others. I have tried to control people’s emotions and actions. I’ve become manipulative without even realizing it. I forget that people have their own needs and lives they want to have control over. I don’t know how to let go of some of this need for control.
I’m afraid, I suppose. That if I let anyone have control of the situation around me, it will hurt me. My head is telling me, “So what if someone hurts you? That is part of life.” But I just want minimal damage.
I don’t want to feel those negative feelings again. I don’t want to be abandoned or controlled or taken advantage of or hurt. I want to be vulnerable but I don’t know if I have what it takes to allow my shell to come off and allow people to see what’s inside.
I feel so broken. I needed to release this.